Five Letter Word

I cried this morning on my drive to work. Not big fat tears + an ugly face type of cry, but a subtle, I can’t hold these tears back any longer type of cry. By the way, I’ve had a big fat tears + ugly face cry while driving before . It’s not good nor is it safe. This cry may have been due to my anxiety flaring up or just a pure moment of vulnerability. It’s quite possible it could be both.

There is a revolving door in my mind of things that make me anxious. Currently professional decisions are the culprit. I’ve contemplated making some professional changes, but I know that may only make other areas of my life strained. Also making those changes could also mean giving up on my dreams. There’s a constant battle within me to work harder to achieve my dreams or simply giving up because I don’t have the mental or emotional energy. Lately, I’ve been feeling like even if I did have the mental and emotional energy what would be the point. I just want to fold into myself and collapse.

My recent state of vulnerability comes from me being a progressive minded person. Don’t misunderstand. I don’t feel the grass is always greener. The best way to put it is, the thought of advancing forward excites me. For quite some time I’ve been feeling very stagnant. I was looking forward to making great strides this year. Sometime in March, David and I came to the realization that the year was not going to go how we hoped. Since that realization it feels like we can’t come up for air. Unfortunately for this progressive minded, always the fixer, person, it’s only May…and I’m out of solutions.

So now when you’re out of solutions what do you? Pray? Check! I can pray for all sorts of things. From the tiniest thing to the biggest. What about faith? Awwww…that’s where the true work comes in. And that’s where my strength begins to wane. Faith is just a five letter word at this point.

Thankful…I can do. I’m always thankful. For the tiniest thing to the biggest thing. I’m thankful to be here. I’m thankful for every breath. I’m even thankful for the busted shoes on my feet right now. Now if I could just place some of that thankfulness into my faith I would be on my way up, right?

I’m reading Restless: Because You Were Made for More by Jennie Allen. It’s taking my forever. Subconsciously it could be due to me not wanting to put in the work from fear that nothing will change. I don’t want to waste my time. It could also be from external evil forces preventing me from continuing. Yeah, I said it. Right now any excuse will do. But, so far it is a good book that will require some mental and emotional work on my part in order to finish it.

Before finishing this post I had to duck into the bathroom at the office and pray. Like I said, I’m good at that. I prayed for strength. I need the strength to make it through this moment of anxiety. I also told God about the mustard seed of faith that I am holding. It’s all I have to give. My hopes, dreams, and gifts are planted. But my watering can only has a few drops left in it. I’ll plant and water this seed of faith anyway.

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